How to Defuse an Argument
The other day I found myself sat in my parked car replying to emails on my phone. I’d been working through my inbox when I noticed two cars circling the car park. There were clearly no parking spaces and the two of them were driving around in the hope that a space would free up. They both noticed that I was sitting in my car and headed over to my space. They sped over, arriving at the same time and boxed me in. I indicated that I was going to be moving but the two of them had already started arguing about who was entitled to my space. I now couldn’t leave because the drivers were shouting at each other and were out of theirs cars. I was trapped…
Tony Robbins is a self-help legend. He’s created some wonderful books and is one of the most successful authors and speakers on the planet. I’m a big fan of his work and think that he provides massive value to a lot of people. One thing that particularly interests me is Tony’s manipulation of mental states. Tony is a big fan of disrupting negative mental states to alter the way we experience a situation. Negative mental states can include a massive range of emotions; anger; depression; fear; hate and embarrassment are to name a few. These states of mind can be very powerful and can make us act irrationally. When we are in these states, we are not going to solve problems effectively and we can end up doing things that we regret.
To change our mental state, Tony suggests that we surprise ourselves by doing something so completely inappropriate and random that our brains are tricked and confused by the mixed signals. This can disrupt the situation and cause us to “snap out” of a negative mental state. An example: after stubbing your toe, rather than swearing and potentially throwing objects around the room in anger and protest, we should do something stupid and random. Maybe we blow the world’s loudest raspberry or do a crazy robot dance. Maybe we burst into a Pavarotti-style performance. The options are endless. Doing something that we wouldn’t normally do can sabotage our brains and stop us from responding how we normally would to a negative situation. This is thinking outside the box and is an extremely creative and funny solution to feeling awful. Give it a try. The weirder, the better! Anyway, back to the car park.
I decided to test this idea out and see if I could defuse the argument about who was claiming the right to my parking space. I got out of my car and and walked over to the two arguing men. “Right, here’s the way to solve this problem…” They both stopped and looked at me. “Flip a coin for it”. They both looked surprised by my suggestion. After a bit of a back and forth, they seemed up for it. Their energy changed and they focused on the coin toss. The coin got flipped and they both instantly accepted the outcome and returned to their cars without shouting or complaining.
The method worked wonders! It was a peaceful, quick and effective solution to a hostile situation. The element of surprise seemed to massively disrupt the situation. This might not work every time but it seemed like a great place to begin. To be honest, I’m glad they decided to use this solution because my Plan B was to start dancing like a monkey and singing in a falsetto voice. I really didn’t want to do that!
See if you can apply this concept to negative and hostile situations in your life and let me know how you get on.
“If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten.”